I haven't been good about writing lately, but I did want to get this out there -- of course, its in many, many blogs, but hey, never hurts to get it out there once more. This is a great video about cesareans -- and one that would be very easy for someone with more mainstream ideas to accept, i think. Anyway, if it works to get it embedded here, here it is:

Did it again

Ok, so I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive about some things. While I was certainly glad to get it done, I was almost immediately dissatisfied with my first version of 1 in 3. So, I re-edited it. And because I'm sure you are all SO dying to see the new version, it is right over there, on the right, for you to click on and watch. Or, you can go to YouTube and see it big screen here. And for those of you who've asked for copies of it in the past, now you can just download it from YouTube.

Read This!

Women of Size and Cesarean Sections: Tips for Avoiding Unnecessary Surgery

A fantastic article written by a fantastic woman. Kmom is probably the best resource for information about birth and breastfeeding for women of size, and is also just about the best resource out there for information on "Gestational Diabetes". She has a real gift in synthesizing and summarizing the research in a non-biased way -- after you read the above article (a companion piece for Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth) check out her website: Plus-sized Pregnancy (it isn't just for plus-sized women).

If it ain't broke, well, break it!

One of the blogs I get regular updates on is ElementalMom. Laureen is a friend and birth activist and a generally really cool person....and she finds some of the scariest stuff. So, I present the newest entry in the "heck, who cares if we break it, we can just fix it and make more money in the process" annals of Obstetrics...

Popular Science: Compassion Cure

Just when you think they can't possibly screw it up any more. Sheesh. I suppose it is another reason for women to just luv their OBs....

From the Horse's Mouth

A story, a really true story.

I was talking to a good friend of mine this morning, we've known each other for about 17 years now (yikes!). Her sister is pregnant for the first time. Her sister is a recovering anorectic (this pertains to one of the horses in this story). So my friend, we'll call her A (we'll call her sister L) says to me "L has decided that she's unhappy with her OB group. She knows there's no guarentee that she'll even know the OB who's on when she goes into labor and she's trying to not let that bother her but it really does. L really really really doesn't want a cesarean and she's afraid she's going to end up with one. I told her that if she was unhappy, she'd better switch because she needed to listen to her instincts." (A has listened to me rant over the years, plus she's experienced a couple of pretty different births herself). I asked "so what happened?" I'll give the horses some credit for being honest....

L was VERY up front with the OB group she was seeing about the fact that she was a recovering anorectic. She told them "do not make comments about my weight, do not say anything about my weight, this is difficult but I'm committed to being healthy, etc etc etc". So, at her 5 month appt, the OB (a mare) says "oh, you've gained too much weight". I'm going to assume that she didn't bother to read the record, not that she's that callous and stupid to boot.

At her 6 month appointment, she sees the senior partner, a stallion, who she really doesn't like at all. She says to him "when can I see the CNM?" (turns out there's a CNM attached to this practice). He says "You don't want to see the CNM, she's really not into delivering babies." HUH? Certified Nurse MIDWIFE isn't into catching babies? Or not allowed to....anyway, he continues: "Actually, none of us are interested in delivering babies. We don't want to get up at 2 am and come in while you have your baby."

::jaw drops::

Like I said, I'll give 'em credit for being honest. Honest horses' asses. Who no doubt belong to the American College of OBSTETRICIANS and Gynecologists, good old ACOG.

Merriam Webster has the following definition:
ob·stet·rics
Pronunciation:
\əb-ˈste-triks, äb-\
Function:
noun plural but singular or plural in construction
Date: circa 1819
: a branch of medical science that deals with birth and with its antecedents and sequels

Oh, wait, but not at 2 am.

At 7 mos, L is interviewing an independent CNM practice, with 4 midwives. I'm sure she's going to be shocked at the difference in her care. I also recommended a doula and I hope she does find one she clicks with. Here's hoping.

I wish I'd written this!

This is one of the best bits of birth writing I've come across in a while. So check out Looking glass Alice examines birth and parenting in our culture. Her other stuff is good too -- I like the fact that she's not afraid to "offend" and seems to have a good handle on why we shouldn't be afraid of "offending".

After all, which one of us ever changes if we aren't offended to begin with?

Cesarean Rate Rises. Again.

So I'm a bit behind in the blogging (what's new?). But I will add my voice to all the others expressing our outrage and grief (though not surprise) that the National cesarean rate for 2006 was reported by the CDC to be 31.1%, a 3% rise from 2005. Given what I see in the stories from just the women who join the ICAN email list, I'm not surprised at all. What with VBAC bans, early inductions and cesarean surgery becoming the "treatment of choice" for suspected macrosomia....I knew the numbers would be bad.

You want to know what's really bad? These numbers are very likely lower than the reality. Why? Well, because some states (Florida is one) exclude "high risk" cesareans from their data -- so if a woman has a cesarean and she was carrying muliples, or the baby was breech or the baby was premature....that doesn't "count". I'm trying to wrap my brain around why this would be a reasonable thing to do....and honestly, the only reason I can come up with is that it keeps the "official" number lower. The argument that these are "necessary and unavoidable" cesareans doesn't make sense to me (and isn't true anyway since all of those pregnancies can end with a vaginal birth)...and excluding breech alone has to raise the cesarean rate by at least 3%...what I am sure has not had any real effect on the numbers are the "patient choice cesareans"....because they really are very rare. You wouldn't know it from the popular press but anytime anyone has tried to get a handle on how many non-medically indicated cesareans are done by maternal request....a very small number is generated. Add to that the fact that most likely, some proportion of hospitals are just plain lying about their cesarean rates (we have a few cases where we know for sure it happens, I'd assume its not limited to those few hospitals) and you get a number that's higher than 31.1%.

So in my state, Michigan, the cesarean rate was 29.8%. About the only good thing I can say about that is that it isn't 37.4%, which is where New Jersey, the state that cuts more women than any other, falls. You know things are getting bad when you see a rate below 25% and want to celebrate (or move to that state). Look up your state -- and then look at the Press Release from ICAN...and then send it to all the media outlets in your area you can find, and to your state and national legislators. Let them know that you are tired of your healthcare and tax dollars being pocketed by the medical and insurance industries, while the U.S. suffers one of the worst maternal and infant mortality rates in the developed world. Let them know that you are tired of women's legal rights to informed consent and refusal being systematically trampled on.

And then, put your money where your mouth is. Join ICAN. If that doesn't appeal, join Lamaze Intl., or CIMS, or Citizens for Midwifery or birthNETWORK or ANY organization that's trying to make a difference.

If you want to get personally involved, email me -- I've got a big project just about ready to launch and I'll need people who are willing to donate time and phone minutes. The problem is huge....but you know what else? If even a quarter of the women who've been through the medical establishment while having a baby got involved....we could make a big difference. So how about it?

Howling At an Uncaring Moon (ADULT language follows)

Here's the obligatory warning. I'm gonna drop a number of F-bombs and equivalent offensivenesses so if that's a problem, stop reading now.

I'm so FUCKING sick and tired.

I FUCKING tired of people being surprised at my hurt. I'm FUCKING tired of being nice, political, detached, dispassionate, reasonable.

Today I had someone (who I like and respect) express surprise that I would call a midwife (who answered a query in a public forum) on the fact that she thinks women who express their birth trauma in terms of rape are just crazy, basically. Oh, she phrased it in terms of prior experience, bad expectations blah blah blah. Its bullshit. Unadulterated BULLSHIT.

You know what? My cesarean felt just like a rape. Because I've BEEN raped, I can pretty accurately make the comparison. But you know what? I don't think a prior experience of sexual assault is necessary for a woman to KNOW she's been raped. Of course, the fact that something like 1 in 3 women in the U.S. have experienced a non-consensual sexual contact before the age of 18 means that there's a whole bunch of women who DO know what they are comparing to. So pretty much all I have to say to those who aren't happy with my comparison of my "good" cesarean with my rape is FUCK YOU. How dare you. How fucking dare you.

My cesarean was 9 1/2 years ago. It wasn't even a "bad" one compared to the horrors that most women endure. And I CRIED tonight on the way home about it. THAT'S what happens when I let myself think about it. Me -- controlled, professional, even-tempered, fair-minded, appropriately detached, 2 VBACs later, well on the way to being healed ME. Also the me who since the cesarean has had to deal with anxiety disorder, depression and substance abuse...oh, the cesarean certainly isn't the only "reason" for these problems but it sure as hell didn't help, now did it?



And you know what? I'm FUCKING tired of the Business of Being Born (Ricki Lake's movie). Why? Because everyone who cares is all about how wonderful it is and how profound it is and blah blah blah...it isn't going to make one stinking bit of difference. Because the women who NEED to see it wouldn't GET it even if they did see it. They are so fucking brainwashed that the very thought that their precious OB might not have the same dreams they do is impossible for them to fathom. I'm also really really sick and tired of the fucking choir. I'm tired of midwives carrying on about how important they are. Oh I get how they have to protect their living, their licences, etc. I get that, really I do -- the prosecutions (persecutions) against midwives are nothing less than immoral and maliciously hateful to boot....but frankly, most of them are so fucking full of what a great job they are doing that they won't see the slaughter and if they do, they have to blame it on the women who run so willingly to it. And ok, I can't be that mad at them, after all, part of the reason I'm ranting here is because the slaughter is so damn depressing and overwhelming.



And I'm really really tired of women not getting it. Who do I blame for that? What the hell has happened that women are OK with getting their genitals mutilated for no good reason? What the hell has happened that women ARE abused during birth, more often than not, and they don't care? It pisses me off that women don't care. It pisses me off that somehow, they've been so manipulated from the time of their own births that they think it really is ok to be sexually abused (in all sorts of ways, having a baby only being part of it). Because that's exactly what it is, sexual abuse (aka rape -- oh, I can't believe she said that! whatever). Except part of me KNOWS that every single woman does KNOW that what happened to her was wrong. Most of the time, she just shuts up, stuffs it and acts like the good little girl that she's supposed to be, to the degree that she'll rip you a new asshole if you DARE imply that she might have reason to be hurt....whatever. I'm fucking tired of that woman too. Fighting with each other when really, we are the only hope we have. Why is it ok for a virtual stranger(s) to stick his (her?) hands up your vagina for no good reason on any number of occasions and then require you to submit to conditions that are pretty much the same as bondage/torture leading to nasty drugs, deliberate cutting of your vagina (and anus, if you are really lucky), or your stomach, muscles and uterus, putting you at risk of serious and life threatening complications for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Oh, and did I mention the fact that IT ISN'T GOOD FOR YOUR BABY EITHER????? Your Obstetrician LIED to you. Gasp.



Oh wait. I'm just an angry woman, probably unstable, certainly hysterical, projecting my own mental illness on poor innocent you. Well, that's ok, I'm well acquainted with the finer points of denial so I get it.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end
"whisper" -- amy lee and ben moody



right now, that song describes what it feels like to me to get cut open and then told it doesn't matter. yeah, even 9 1/2 years later....I wish more women didn't close their eyes.....



Ok, so I'm winding down now. I really don't even know exactly what to do with all this....I'll gather myself together and keep plugging away, at least for the sake of my kids, if not for any real change now.

Ramblings of a bored Veterinarian

Funny the things I can figure out when its actually not the middle of the night (which is usually when I have time to even contemplate writing). I figured out how to make the screens smaller with the embedded youtube videos. Yay! So I now have 2 videos prominently displayed on my sidebar....and links to several others that I hope you will check out.

I also added a bunch of blogs and websites to my lists...there's a lot of action right now. We'll see if it lasts. Everyone is all excited about Ricki Lake's movie...I haven't seen it yet, though I'd like to. But honestly....how many women are actually going to see it? Who aren't at least halfway in our choir anyway? And how many women are actually going to make the jump OUT of the hospital....no, they'll just persist in believing that a good birth plan and a doula will guarantee the birth they want...and sadly, in many (most?) cases, hospital staff are very good at getting around both those things.

I try really hard not to get too depressed about the state of things. I think I must be in a "down" phase right now....it seems like its the same old thing over and over and over....I want to have a VBAC but...my hospital banned them....my OB won't do them....my husband doesn't want me to....there are no midwives in my area....we can't afford a homebirth....or....I planned a VBAC but....my OB told me it isn't as safe as we thought....the baby looked big and they wouldn't induce me....I went to 42 weeks and the baby had to come out.....the ultrasound showed my placenta was getting old....my fluid getting low....I didn't want another cesarean but.....

Which leads to a fairly controversial topic, I suppose. The "godly submissive wife". I don't know enough about other faiths to know for sure if this bit of doctrine exists elsewhere -- I suspect it does in some form or another in both Islam and Judaism but I'm familiar with it as an expression of Christian belief. It is a wildly debated topic, since the Bible actually doesn't define it very well....and certainly doesn't define it in terms of modern society and culture. First, the disclosure -- I am an evangelical Christian (by a more traditional and non-political definition -- you can't call me fundamentalist or right wing) and I do believe that a wife should be properly "submitted" to her husband (of course, all believers are to be submitted to each other, too. And, it always pays to remember that the same scripture that urges wives to submit to their husbands instructs husbands to *die* for their wives. Personally, I think I got the better end of that deal). Anyway, the rub is "properly". There are some groups that believe this means the wife has to get her husband's permission for any decision of import. There are some groups that mean this gives a husband complete veto power over any choice his wife might make. There are some groups that believe this means a wife has to do anything her husband demands of her. And I suppose, if a husband were also properly laying his life down for his wife, all the potential abuses inherent in this sort of extreme interpretation probably wouldn't be an issue. But, guess what....humans pretty much will screw anything up. And so, we screw this one up. I have heard too many times "I'm a (Godly/Biblically) submissive wife and my husband doesn't want me to have a VBAC. (or home birth. or midwife. or something of that sort) Unless God changes his mind, I have to have another cesarean because I'm submitted to him." My response to that is "if your husband said any of the following, would you do it? 'I want you to watch porn with me.' 'I think car seats aren't that important and I'm not going to pay for one, you can drive without one.' 'I want you to sign this tax form, even though I haven't been honest on it.' 'I want you to tell your mother we are busy this Thanksgiving.' 'I don't want you talking to your sister, I think she's a bad influence on you.' 'I don't want you going to that Bible study, you need to be home.' 'I want you to have a boob job/tummy tuck/other elective surgery so that you are more sexually attractive to me.'" The fact is, the Bible *never* provides justification for immoral behavior. Lying, cheating, sexual sin, withholding oneself from the body of Christ, endangering children, frivolously endangering oneself....there's never a good reason for any of those things. It doesn't matter if the husband "thinks" any of those things are ok. If I know that what my husband is demanding of me is contrary to God's plan and purpose...I'm not obligated to do it. I'd say I'm obligated to NOT do it, rather the issue is my attitude toward my husband as I choose to obey God. What does this have to do with birth? Well....if a woman truly believes that a given choice is the safest one for her baby, then I'd argue is it immoral to then choose to do otherwise. The fact that the overall risk of something bad happening to mom or the baby is small regardless of the actual choice doesn't matter. The fact that most people might disagree with the conclusion a woman comes to doesn't matter (after all, most people would probably disagree with the overbearing interpretation of submission but she chooses to live that way). A husband has no right to demand immoral behavior from his wife, even if it is "his child too". But, you say, its different. Is it? Is how our children enter this world not that important? If that's what you truly believe, then why are you bemoaning the fact that your husband says you have to have a repeat cesarean. If it isn't important then it really shouldn't matter. (For the record, in my marriage, wifely submission means that in a situation where we disagree on the path we should take, as long as both choices are morally acceptable choices, he gets to choose. IF we absolutely can not come to an agreement. We never rush to this conclusion. This has happened exactly 2 times in over 16 years.)

I'll end with another potentially hot opinion. All of the excuses for why a woman can't have a VBAC or home birth or whatever are just that -- excuses. Women hide behind "my husband would never agree to it" or "we just don't have the money" or "neither of the hospitals in my town allow it" or "there aren't any midwives in my city" or "it's my husband's baby too" or "I don't want to ruin my marriage fighting about this" when in fact, the issue is that while they think they *should* plan a VBAC or home birth or whatever, they actually don't want to. Not really. I know this will be unpopular....but too often I've seen that where there is a will, a way is found, too often I've seen it to believe that a woman can't get what she wants for her baby if she really wants it.

I suppose I sound rather cynical right now. In some ways, I suppose I am. It just seems like we are going round and round and round in the very same circle while most women quietly run toward slaughter and then spend the rest of their lives telling themselves its ok.

My Video

Ok, I'm gonna try to do this...my video is embedded at the bottom of my blog (when I put it as a sidebar, it got cut off) but I doubt most people will go look for it there....of course, when this disappears, they won't look for it here either -- not quite sure how to get around that :-)

Anyway, I made this video. And when I have a bit more time, I'll explain why I did (or didn't do) some of the things in it.

Gretchen