Monday, November 26, 2007

Howling At an Uncaring Moon (ADULT language follows)

Here's the obligatory warning. I'm gonna drop a number of F-bombs and equivalent offensivenesses so if that's a problem, stop reading now.

I'm so FUCKING sick and tired.

I FUCKING tired of people being surprised at my hurt. I'm FUCKING tired of being nice, political, detached, dispassionate, reasonable.

Today I had someone (who I like and respect) express surprise that I would call a midwife (who answered a query in a public forum) on the fact that she thinks women who express their birth trauma in terms of rape are just crazy, basically. Oh, she phrased it in terms of prior experience, bad expectations blah blah blah. Its bullshit. Unadulterated BULLSHIT.

You know what? My cesarean felt just like a rape. Because I've BEEN raped, I can pretty accurately make the comparison. But you know what? I don't think a prior experience of sexual assault is necessary for a woman to KNOW she's been raped. Of course, the fact that something like 1 in 3 women in the U.S. have experienced a non-consensual sexual contact before the age of 18 means that there's a whole bunch of women who DO know what they are comparing to. So pretty much all I have to say to those who aren't happy with my comparison of my "good" cesarean with my rape is FUCK YOU. How dare you. How fucking dare you.

My cesarean was 9 1/2 years ago. It wasn't even a "bad" one compared to the horrors that most women endure. And I CRIED tonight on the way home about it. THAT'S what happens when I let myself think about it. Me -- controlled, professional, even-tempered, fair-minded, appropriately detached, 2 VBACs later, well on the way to being healed ME. Also the me who since the cesarean has had to deal with anxiety disorder, depression and substance abuse...oh, the cesarean certainly isn't the only "reason" for these problems but it sure as hell didn't help, now did it?

And you know what? I'm FUCKING tired of the Business of Being Born (Ricki Lake's movie). Why? Because everyone who cares is all about how wonderful it is and how profound it is and blah blah isn't going to make one stinking bit of difference. Because the women who NEED to see it wouldn't GET it even if they did see it. They are so fucking brainwashed that the very thought that their precious OB might not have the same dreams they do is impossible for them to fathom. I'm also really really sick and tired of the fucking choir. I'm tired of midwives carrying on about how important they are. Oh I get how they have to protect their living, their licences, etc. I get that, really I do -- the prosecutions (persecutions) against midwives are nothing less than immoral and maliciously hateful to boot....but frankly, most of them are so fucking full of what a great job they are doing that they won't see the slaughter and if they do, they have to blame it on the women who run so willingly to it. And ok, I can't be that mad at them, after all, part of the reason I'm ranting here is because the slaughter is so damn depressing and overwhelming.

And I'm really really tired of women not getting it. Who do I blame for that? What the hell has happened that women are OK with getting their genitals mutilated for no good reason? What the hell has happened that women ARE abused during birth, more often than not, and they don't care? It pisses me off that women don't care. It pisses me off that somehow, they've been so manipulated from the time of their own births that they think it really is ok to be sexually abused (in all sorts of ways, having a baby only being part of it). Because that's exactly what it is, sexual abuse (aka rape -- oh, I can't believe she said that! whatever). Except part of me KNOWS that every single woman does KNOW that what happened to her was wrong. Most of the time, she just shuts up, stuffs it and acts like the good little girl that she's supposed to be, to the degree that she'll rip you a new asshole if you DARE imply that she might have reason to be hurt....whatever. I'm fucking tired of that woman too. Fighting with each other when really, we are the only hope we have. Why is it ok for a virtual stranger(s) to stick his (her?) hands up your vagina for no good reason on any number of occasions and then require you to submit to conditions that are pretty much the same as bondage/torture leading to nasty drugs, deliberate cutting of your vagina (and anus, if you are really lucky), or your stomach, muscles and uterus, putting you at risk of serious and life threatening complications for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Oh, and did I mention the fact that IT ISN'T GOOD FOR YOUR BABY EITHER????? Your Obstetrician LIED to you. Gasp.

Oh wait. I'm just an angry woman, probably unstable, certainly hysterical, projecting my own mental illness on poor innocent you. Well, that's ok, I'm well acquainted with the finer points of denial so I get it.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end
"whisper" -- amy lee and ben moody

right now, that song describes what it feels like to me to get cut open and then told it doesn't matter. yeah, even 9 1/2 years later....I wish more women didn't close their eyes.....

Ok, so I'm winding down now. I really don't even know exactly what to do with all this....I'll gather myself together and keep plugging away, at least for the sake of my kids, if not for any real change now.


Christie said...

Very powerful, Gretchen, very powerful.


Desirre - Birthing Touch said...

Go G! What you say is truth. I am GLAD you are here. Is sucks that women don't care. I too see it and hear all the time. ACK. Pfft.

I am struck by your pain. I am glad to share your burden dear sister in cause and abuse. Keep saying it and maybe just maybe someone who needs to hear it will take her well placed fingersfrom her eyes and take off her rose colored glasses. Des

SheGotHipsLikeCinderella said...

THANK YOU GRETCHEN!!!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel right now too. I really admire you, adult language and all.

Amanda said...

Thank you G. for speaking for me. When will women wake up?? In tears, your fellow survivor...